What Mental Health means to me
I can't expect everyone to share their stories and their struggles with me to help spread the awareness of mental health without sharing my own stories and struggles. This will be arguably the toughest thing I have ever written.
This is my mental health story and what mental health means to me.
My group of friends at the time was sensational. I won't say their names for this as I didn't ask their permission and well if you carry on reading you will understand to why I didn't ask neither. We was the type of friends where no one even suspected we was friends because we that close they just assumed we family. It was that brotherhood mentality we all had. I had their backs and they had mine.
I mean yes we was crazy, I mean hear me out before you start to judge myself or us as a whole but you got to take in to consideration we was young and we never had a lot to do at that time. But I remember doing weird shit like walking across a frozen canal. If I say it out loud sounds utterly ridiculously, but we did it. I guess my point to that little story was that you could had done anything with them and you just felt safe with them.
I had my first serious girlfriend again I won't name her name as despite us ending on good terms and being friendly it turned sour near the end. So another one I didn't exactly ask for permission from she was exactly what I needed at the time. I mean I was very shy, I didn't really do much in terms of confidence she actually brought out that in me. I mean I know we all state negative and horrible stuff to each other once the relationship comes to a close it's only when you get older and look back and digest it all to discover, it wasn't a bad relationship. It was just two people meeting at the wrong point in their lives.
Out of all my friends I wouldn't ever say I loved or liked anyone more than the other because I didn't however, I did speak to one more in regards to advice for my love life, or my career choices or genuinely guidance. It was either one friend that I can't mention or Aston, yet funny enough he was younger than me you would never had thought it if A) You spoken to him and well mannered and how polite he was and B) How screwed on he was.
whilst being in a relationship I was focusing on my education just leaving school/college I picked BTEC Media. At this stage it was where I discovered I loved the idea of writing and creating something for everyone to see. It excited me. Even doing the paper work/course work given from the tutor I would find myself jotting together little scripts here and there. Never finishing them mind but I would always start them nevertheless.
Because I mentioned it was one of my first serious girlfriends I didn't understand the understanding's of a relationship. The work it needs to be in one, the communication, the trust. So it pretty much fell apart. In all honesty I didn't try or I just didn't know how to maintain one period. Which sounds stupid reading this doesn't it? I mean I had never experienced a serious relationship before. I had never felt one, I hadn't known how to do it. You don't get a how to guide before getting into one. So I let it fizzle out. Her love turned to resentment. As she tried to salvage it I just gave up. I am not bringing her up because I am still holding an eternal flame for her or anything but she's apart of my story to where I decided to share it from.
Once the relationship broke down my ambition for education fizzled too. So I pretty much dropped out of college the second year, stupidity as I discovered so close to the end. I wanted to get money, and do something with my life. Basically I wanted to cut corners and get paid for it. I was still going out most weekends getting drunk on the Friday, recover on Saturday although sometimes you could go out two nights so you made sure you had to properly recover on Sunday.
I won't bore you too much with details but I eventually got a work experience opportunity for a magazine company, I won't state the name of the company as again I didn't ask their permission but the reason I am adding my experience with them in this because it moulded me to who I am now. Let me explain, I was shy, like I mentioned before. However, the owner saw something in me she seen potential in. She threw me in the deep end hoping I'd sink yet instead despite my shock too I swam. I became good at it. I interviewed people from famous people and upcoming people and I genuinely loved it. Although I didn't leave the role because I hated anyone. Or because I disliked anyone I left because the company fell into difficult times. Which if they was to ever read this I hope they're aware how grateful I am/was for their opportunity to grow there. I needed funds otherwise I was going to be homeless so for me that was a no brainer walk or stay and end up homeless.
However, before leaving the role I became desperately passionate in it. So passionate I would get sent a text from my friends asking if I was coming out. It started with "Sorry I can't I've got an early start tomorrow' to "Sorry I can't I've got to attend an event" in the end the invitations stopped arriving at all.
When I left the magazine I ended up working for a college. It wasn't what I wanted to do but it was just something to pay the bills. I won't talk too much about my time there. However, I will talk about this one day in particular.
The day was relaxing at best. Wasn't busy, the sun was shining, It just felt like a good day, even had my headphones in throughout the day listening to Charlie Sloth on Radio 1xtra (At the time he was doing his show on 1xtra then) he wasn't signed to Apple music then. However, I get home. sit down. make myself a cup of tea. Put netflix on and start binge-watching something. (I can't think for the life of me what on earth it was). Hesitant to answer, but I answered nevertheless. I heard laughter in the background and jokes. Then Silence. So Instantly well I thought this is definitely a prank call. I begin to get annoyed to say what's the point in calling if you're just going to do this. He simply said "Sorry, urm. Well I don't even know how to tell you, it's not something I expected I would be doing" At this point sheer confusion came across me. "What are you on about?" I simply replied. "Mate. It's aston, he's passed away" not soon after the call disconnected.
I experienced death before, from relatives etc. So I knew how I would feel and that I would be okay. The second I got off the phone I immediately walked out my room blank faced. "What's wrong" I remember my mom saying to me because I just this puzzled look on my face as I didn't know if this was one big sick joke that I wasn't apart of or if this
was genuine. So I told her that Aston had passed away. Had a cup of tea, something to eat then was like "Okay, I best get off to bed I've got work tomorrow".
I get to work, feeling bizarre but I didn't know what was wrong. Although the writing is on the fucking wall I should had given myself time to take in the news at least. I just sat there blank facially. For someone that's normally quiet to be asked "You're quite today, what's up with you" and I just instantly replied like it was me telling them I missed a bus. "Oh my friend died yesterday" I can't remember if I was advised to tell my manager or he overheard. Either way I was granted time off. (from my own holidays may I might add)
I was persistent that I was fine. I still didn't understand why I needed to go home to process everything. Not realising I didn't accepted what happened to start the grieving process. I kept remembering little things like we'd always poke fun out of him being a fan of wrestling, yet despite us taking the piss out of him for liking it became a tradition to watch Wrestlemania together, same with the Eurovision song-contest etc.
I went through our old chats together and he advised me about a TV show called Chuck, I've officially watched that 3-4 times. not just one or two episodes I'm talking the entire set. Scrubs, friends, how I met your mother, etc. Not forgetting wwe Raw and all the PPV's too. I refuse to watch One tree hill though. Not nothing against the show I'm sure it truly is a remarkable show. Although because that's aston's favourite it would break my heart just hearing the theme song.
Because all of this was happening and my whole circle of friends had virtually disappeared they all had their own support and guidance for each other. I didn't have that. I didn't get a text or a call to check I was okay. I was still not at that stage of wanting to talk about it or even express my feelings about the topic. I didn't realise it until now that I was signing signs of active depression. As I would turn to writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings through music. Or going for a run. Which is fine to find a outlet, however if you don't have an outlet all the time what will happen is it'll eventually creep up on you.
I remember I still hadn't shed a tear over his death since hearing the news. or spoken to the guys. The day of the funeral came and I felt the shell of a person. I felt weak. I didn't feel I belonged there. I just wanted to turn back and go. Which was such a selfish thing to say at a funeral. I shed a tear at the funeral.
Although it still didn't give me the release and comfort a good cry normally gives you. I came home wearing a borrowed suit, as well it's safe to say I don't wear suits.
I watched Fast and the furious 8 (it may had been an illegal copy I won't even lie) the scene where paul walker turns and vin diesel goes the apposite direction and then Charlie Puth Ft Wiz Khalifa - See You again hits. It was literally the first time I heard the song. I stopped. Froze, and cried. Everything hit me at once and then it was a joyful smile appeared on my face.
Fast forward a couple of weeks/months after I virtually stopped going out at all at this point. It's not that I got scared but It was a sense of fear of running into them guys. Not because I felt they would attack me or even hurl abuse at me. The opposite but ignore entirely. I found myself staying in my room alot. I would get thoughts often. "No one likes you" "do you blame your friends to leave" the list goes on and on. I was sitting on facebook one night, seen an image of a group shot of my old close friends who I considered to be like family all hanging out having a great time smiling. I had this rush of feeling of I couldn't breath and excitement at the same time, I couldn't explain my emotions but I just knew I hated every second of it. my eyes turned to water. The only way out for me at that very second was to take my own life. For that very second I was alone, that very second I was worthless, that second I felt I wouldn't be missed. I began to cry, I didn't want to make a sound so I kept it silent. I picked the first name to appear in my phone and press call.
I still get the bad day, and the darkness in every stormy one too. However, I didn't tell you all of my struggles but I just wanted to share my triggers and where everything went wrong bad for me and when I reached out to somebody that potentially saved my life.
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE
I promise you.
Please speak out. I am always here if you need a friend to listen.
@Liampaddyy on twitter
PEACE X
This is my mental health story and what mental health means to me.
Hi I am Liam, to others I am a normal guy, and they're right I am. I make others laugh, I always aim to make anyone smile and make them feel better about themselves it's just how I was raised. I would always mask terrible problems or unwanted conversations with humour, I done it so well I didn't even know I was doing it half the time. I was what you classed an active guy, I would always play football or (soccer) and rugby, I would play it every day. Until i got older the football turned into a pint of beer instead. I became a guy that depended on the weekend to actually have a good time. I mean I had ups and down days then but still everything was amazing. I mean granted you had the odd fall out with friends, loved ones and you would be briefly down about it although after apologising swiftly after everything would be fine then and there.
My group of friends at the time was sensational. I won't say their names for this as I didn't ask their permission and well if you carry on reading you will understand to why I didn't ask neither. We was the type of friends where no one even suspected we was friends because we that close they just assumed we family. It was that brotherhood mentality we all had. I had their backs and they had mine.
I mean yes we was crazy, I mean hear me out before you start to judge myself or us as a whole but you got to take in to consideration we was young and we never had a lot to do at that time. But I remember doing weird shit like walking across a frozen canal. If I say it out loud sounds utterly ridiculously, but we did it. I guess my point to that little story was that you could had done anything with them and you just felt safe with them.
I had my first serious girlfriend again I won't name her name as despite us ending on good terms and being friendly it turned sour near the end. So another one I didn't exactly ask for permission from she was exactly what I needed at the time. I mean I was very shy, I didn't really do much in terms of confidence she actually brought out that in me. I mean I know we all state negative and horrible stuff to each other once the relationship comes to a close it's only when you get older and look back and digest it all to discover, it wasn't a bad relationship. It was just two people meeting at the wrong point in their lives.
Out of all my friends I wouldn't ever say I loved or liked anyone more than the other because I didn't however, I did speak to one more in regards to advice for my love life, or my career choices or genuinely guidance. It was either one friend that I can't mention or Aston, yet funny enough he was younger than me you would never had thought it if A) You spoken to him and well mannered and how polite he was and B) How screwed on he was.
whilst being in a relationship I was focusing on my education just leaving school/college I picked BTEC Media. At this stage it was where I discovered I loved the idea of writing and creating something for everyone to see. It excited me. Even doing the paper work/course work given from the tutor I would find myself jotting together little scripts here and there. Never finishing them mind but I would always start them nevertheless.
Because I mentioned it was one of my first serious girlfriends I didn't understand the understanding's of a relationship. The work it needs to be in one, the communication, the trust. So it pretty much fell apart. In all honesty I didn't try or I just didn't know how to maintain one period. Which sounds stupid reading this doesn't it? I mean I had never experienced a serious relationship before. I had never felt one, I hadn't known how to do it. You don't get a how to guide before getting into one. So I let it fizzle out. Her love turned to resentment. As she tried to salvage it I just gave up. I am not bringing her up because I am still holding an eternal flame for her or anything but she's apart of my story to where I decided to share it from.
Once the relationship broke down my ambition for education fizzled too. So I pretty much dropped out of college the second year, stupidity as I discovered so close to the end. I wanted to get money, and do something with my life. Basically I wanted to cut corners and get paid for it. I was still going out most weekends getting drunk on the Friday, recover on Saturday although sometimes you could go out two nights so you made sure you had to properly recover on Sunday.
I won't bore you too much with details but I eventually got a work experience opportunity for a magazine company, I won't state the name of the company as again I didn't ask their permission but the reason I am adding my experience with them in this because it moulded me to who I am now. Let me explain, I was shy, like I mentioned before. However, the owner saw something in me she seen potential in. She threw me in the deep end hoping I'd sink yet instead despite my shock too I swam. I became good at it. I interviewed people from famous people and upcoming people and I genuinely loved it. Although I didn't leave the role because I hated anyone. Or because I disliked anyone I left because the company fell into difficult times. Which if they was to ever read this I hope they're aware how grateful I am/was for their opportunity to grow there. I needed funds otherwise I was going to be homeless so for me that was a no brainer walk or stay and end up homeless.
However, before leaving the role I became desperately passionate in it. So passionate I would get sent a text from my friends asking if I was coming out. It started with "Sorry I can't I've got an early start tomorrow' to "Sorry I can't I've got to attend an event" in the end the invitations stopped arriving at all.
Look I get it, they was tired of asking someone who would always turn them down for work. I get that. I mean I didn't get it or understand it at the time though. I mean, you have to understand these was my guys. my brothers. I was hurt I wasn't thought about. Even when I stopped working there the invitations didn't come often. I mean they did for a while. Fizzled out eventually. I don't hold them at fault in anyway shape or form, I didn't expect or even expect an explanation because well as I've gotten older I became aware I wasn't a good friend. I wasn't a good person. So how could I expect someone else to be there for me when I didn't or wouldn't for them.
When I left the magazine I ended up working for a college. It wasn't what I wanted to do but it was just something to pay the bills. I won't talk too much about my time there. However, I will talk about this one day in particular.
The day was relaxing at best. Wasn't busy, the sun was shining, It just felt like a good day, even had my headphones in throughout the day listening to Charlie Sloth on Radio 1xtra (At the time he was doing his show on 1xtra then) he wasn't signed to Apple music then. However, I get home. sit down. make myself a cup of tea. Put netflix on and start binge-watching something. (I can't think for the life of me what on earth it was). Hesitant to answer, but I answered nevertheless. I heard laughter in the background and jokes. Then Silence. So Instantly well I thought this is definitely a prank call. I begin to get annoyed to say what's the point in calling if you're just going to do this. He simply said "Sorry, urm. Well I don't even know how to tell you, it's not something I expected I would be doing" At this point sheer confusion came across me. "What are you on about?" I simply replied. "Mate. It's aston, he's passed away" not soon after the call disconnected.
I experienced death before, from relatives etc. So I knew how I would feel and that I would be okay. The second I got off the phone I immediately walked out my room blank faced. "What's wrong" I remember my mom saying to me because I just this puzzled look on my face as I didn't know if this was one big sick joke that I wasn't apart of or if this
I get to work, feeling bizarre but I didn't know what was wrong. Although the writing is on the fucking wall I should had given myself time to take in the news at least. I just sat there blank facially. For someone that's normally quiet to be asked "You're quite today, what's up with you" and I just instantly replied like it was me telling them I missed a bus. "Oh my friend died yesterday" I can't remember if I was advised to tell my manager or he overheard. Either way I was granted time off. (from my own holidays may I might add)
I was persistent that I was fine. I still didn't understand why I needed to go home to process everything. Not realising I didn't accepted what happened to start the grieving process. I kept remembering little things like we'd always poke fun out of him being a fan of wrestling, yet despite us taking the piss out of him for liking it became a tradition to watch Wrestlemania together, same with the Eurovision song-contest etc.I went through our old chats together and he advised me about a TV show called Chuck, I've officially watched that 3-4 times. not just one or two episodes I'm talking the entire set. Scrubs, friends, how I met your mother, etc. Not forgetting wwe Raw and all the PPV's too. I refuse to watch One tree hill though. Not nothing against the show I'm sure it truly is a remarkable show. Although because that's aston's favourite it would break my heart just hearing the theme song.
Because all of this was happening and my whole circle of friends had virtually disappeared they all had their own support and guidance for each other. I didn't have that. I didn't get a text or a call to check I was okay. I was still not at that stage of wanting to talk about it or even express my feelings about the topic. I didn't realise it until now that I was signing signs of active depression. As I would turn to writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings through music. Or going for a run. Which is fine to find a outlet, however if you don't have an outlet all the time what will happen is it'll eventually creep up on you.
I remember I still hadn't shed a tear over his death since hearing the news. or spoken to the guys. The day of the funeral came and I felt the shell of a person. I felt weak. I didn't feel I belonged there. I just wanted to turn back and go. Which was such a selfish thing to say at a funeral. I shed a tear at the funeral.
Although it still didn't give me the release and comfort a good cry normally gives you. I came home wearing a borrowed suit, as well it's safe to say I don't wear suits.
I watched Fast and the furious 8 (it may had been an illegal copy I won't even lie) the scene where paul walker turns and vin diesel goes the apposite direction and then Charlie Puth Ft Wiz Khalifa - See You again hits. It was literally the first time I heard the song. I stopped. Froze, and cried. Everything hit me at once and then it was a joyful smile appeared on my face.
Fast forward a couple of weeks/months after I virtually stopped going out at all at this point. It's not that I got scared but It was a sense of fear of running into them guys. Not because I felt they would attack me or even hurl abuse at me. The opposite but ignore entirely. I found myself staying in my room alot. I would get thoughts often. "No one likes you" "do you blame your friends to leave" the list goes on and on. I was sitting on facebook one night, seen an image of a group shot of my old close friends who I considered to be like family all hanging out having a great time smiling. I had this rush of feeling of I couldn't breath and excitement at the same time, I couldn't explain my emotions but I just knew I hated every second of it. my eyes turned to water. The only way out for me at that very second was to take my own life. For that very second I was alone, that very second I was worthless, that second I felt I wouldn't be missed. I began to cry, I didn't want to make a sound so I kept it silent. I picked the first name to appear in my phone and press call.
I pretended it was just for a normal chit chat and to catch up about old times and memories. Although my body didn't allow me too. It begun to hysterically cry, and muster the words I've never said out loud ever before "I thought about ending it all, as no one wants me here anymore" and began to cry again.
If it wasn't for that person I wouldn't be here right now. It was in that moment I didn't see a way out of the maze. I just seen blackness and emptiness. Because I didn't ask for permission to put this in but if you're reading this thank you.
I have never spoken about my depression, my social anxiety, or even my struggles with communication as a whole. However I wanted to get people to finally put at ease with wanting to share and talk about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I still get the bad day, and the darkness in every stormy one too. However, I didn't tell you all of my struggles but I just wanted to share my triggers and where everything went wrong bad for me and when I reached out to somebody that potentially saved my life.
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE
I promise you.
Please speak out. I am always here if you need a friend to listen.
@Liampaddyy on twitter
PEACE X
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