This is me.

I am just a normal guy with a lot of baggage, a lot of pain, a lot of struggle but through that, I experienced a lot which leads me to grow up faster than I would like. I always find it difficult speaking about myself but for those that want to know you can finally understand me. 

I had a normal upbringing incredible mother who did everything for me ensured I was clothed, fed, and always made sure I was safe and had a roof over my head. She was always there when I needed someone despite if I found it somewhat difficult to speak my feelings or emotions. My parents were together but my dad was never present if it was he was in the room he would be counting every second until his next fix if that being drug or alcohol whichever he felt was on his taste buds that week. She had to raise us alone despite him being there she would have to do most of the commitments and the decisions alone. 

It had left me with anger inside I would push down, I would never speak on it as everyone I was friends with couldn't relate as they all had a great father figure in their life. They had that dad that would always motivate them, go to football games, encourage their ideas not dishearten anything. The anger built up to the point when I have seen my father being drunk at night and lay hands on my mother I completely lost it and felt the need to defend her. It would then happen on a regular he would get drunk and either push his weight around attempting to bully or belittle anyone because he felt so shallow with his own life. As I got older he realised more and more I wouldn't take it but I would start to defend myself the more he worsened. Sometimes it would be a push away sometimes it would end up with a punch. Often I would just stay still as I didn't want a fight or argument or anything and he would still want to cause somewhat violence. On numerous occasions when drunk, he told me he wished I wasn't his son a part of me felt without having a reasonable father did hold me back but that's not an excuse as you're not defined from your upbringings by all mean but I always felt I couldn't do that because of my upbringing from him. The behavior he had towards me lead to always fearing the worse in any situation, I could have a feedback review from a boss at work and it could be entirely positive yet I'll look down because I wouldn't expect a positive chat without a negative in there. 

Kids today will probably be surprised because we didn't have a mobile phone or if we did it wasn't as good as the phones today. To get to play a song it would have to be downloaded and plugged in or sent to each other via infrared or Bluetooth. You would have to go to your friend's house and the only way of knowing if they were home you'd see bikes outside or here's a scary part you would have to knock on on the door and ask the parents if they could come out. The friendship groups that I had despite my weirdness accepted me granted we all were relatively friends in school. Spent most of the time together, went to school hung out after until it went dark that was our life. Zero care in the world looking back that was definitely when I was most happy due to the fact they would be a nice distraction from the real world. Not saying being with my friends wasn't the real world, because we made every day different it became a new world and a separate life if you will. 

I couldn't help but always feel lost, so I would always try and find ways to improve my life to make me feel right. Again if I spoke about this before my friends probably would have understood me but I started finding jobs and working intensively so much, in fact, I hardly went out much. I started to have this pressure on my shoulders because my dad was drinking most of the money coming in and the bills were ranking up fast. At one point debt collectors were called and they could have been evicted from our home. Again not once did I let my friends knew. I would work a lot purely on the basis I needed to prevent giving my mom the burden of worrying about having to pay these bills alone. When you miss out on one night out, then you get invited again and turn it down eventually they will stop asking you to come which I completely understand. However, I personally at the time didn't see it like that I took to social media and wrote a status on Facebook something along the lines of "Know who your true friends are" I know, stupid right? I mean here I am at the time I could do with friends I pushed them away. I mean we spoke here or there which was fine for a while but then the connection somewhat fizzled soon later which breaks my heart still to this day. Regardless if they want to say I am a terrible friend or not I would never bad mouth them. I mean to me they are the guys that made me and molded me into the person I am now. We were close like brothers and they probably won't feel it about me but to me, they will always be my brothers. 

Eventually, I got a call from them one day, I was hoping it was a call to hang out like out times so we could forget everything and start over. As that's what us guys did fall out, argue, fight but would be friends the next day yet this was worse it was telling me a close friend had passed. That hurt massively as it was unexpected and out of the blue. Of course, we met up, talked, shared stories, and even met for the funeral, but then the connection of the guys fizzled again. Which hurt me more. I found myself wondering I hadn't seen the guys post on Facebook or Twitter etc in a while to discover they all deleted and blocked me on everything. I get it, I was a terrible friend and I respect that. If I can apologise I would but I know it wouldn't change anything. 

In the next part, I am going to state this very clear please and I mean please don't if you know the guys in question don't message them hate. I personally felt they had each other to comfort each other to get each other through the darkness and I was left in the darkness alone. More and more I felt a guy on his own, they had their reasons and it was not about my struggles it was them they needed to block and delete me I get it now. But I didn't at the time, I think that's when a lot of problems began for me. It was like the turning point like "Why bother getting close to anyone anymore?" if they're just going to leave me. It was a selfish mindset so I can understand why they left I was a selfish person. 

I would spend days alone in my room only coming out to eat, maybe use the bathroom, I know for certain I hardly washed. I grew out my hair said it was a new branding it wasn't it was me hurting and I was trying to change how I looked so I didn't recognise myself anymore. I would go through box sets my friend once told me to watch when he was alive. From chuck to reliving scrubs anything we made a joke about once. I even began watching wrestling again. Feeling that low I did contemplate killing myself because a mixture of reasonings I felt the world would be a better place without me and that them guys would be truly happier without me knowing I wasn't alive anymore, how I felt lost and no way of being able to find myself and the only way out was this way. Feeling low to the point I cried hysterically that I tried to find a single person who I could speak with on messenger (Facebook) I didn't even see the name and I clicked call luckily they answered. They were more confused than anything, the second I heard the concern, and muttered the words are you okay? I broke, everything came out, I told this person I wanted to die because I felt alone. I wanted to die because no one loved me. They paused and simply said I'm proud of you, instead of doing so you told someone and knew you needed to talk to someone about it. I'm proud of you, and you're not alone. Those words saved my life. 

My life is a constant struggle has been from when I was born. But the fact I didn't give up, Don't get me wrong years later I did find myself in a moment where I wanted to die. Yet I told myself it's okay it'll pass I'm okay. My friends aren't to blame neither are my ex's ex's I had the same mindset with my selfish mindset so I understand why my love life was always iffy. If I got with someone remotely good-looking I would find ways to self-sabotage or turn the relationship because and I quote it's going too well somethings is bound to happen. It's something I am still to this day I am working on.  I had moments because I got cheated on that every girl would cheat on me, I also got this mindset that I didn't deserve love.

@liampaddyy

Please don’t give up. ❤️ ##fyp ##foryou

♬ original sound - L I A M P A D D Y

 

Before I do continue I wanted to take this time to personally apologise to everyone I had hurt, betrayed, or even just let down endlessly. I was a lousy person so I completely understand you no longer want to be apart of my life. A wise woman once told me you need to get rid of the bad fruit before they damage the rest. So I understand, I can only apologise for the wrongdoings I caused. 

I wanted to write to show something that it's okay to be down and people will turn up when you least expect it. Someone will come to save you even when you are at your lowest and don't feel that it's remotely possible. Never hold grudges because you will never be able to grow with grudges use them as motivation or use them for stories. 

I'm still learning every day, I'm still growing every day. But you know what I am trying to help everyone speak proudly about their mental health regardless of how difficult it could be. 

Thank you for reading.